Dear acne, did I invite you to come back?

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Before I get into this first-world problem rant, I want to declare that I’ve seriously struggled with acne in my teenage years. I don’t want to come across as that annoying person who gets one zit and is super dramatic about it. As someone who has overcome heavy acne, having it return after a few years feels foreign. After being free of skin troubles for so long, I forgot how much acne had lowered my self-esteem. It’s reviving insecure body language such as covering zits with my hands, lowering or turning my head walking past someone, and repeatedly imagining how much better my life would be without acne. This might sound dramatic to someone who has never experienced severe acne. But insecurities bring out a vulnerable side out of you.

When I was 17, acne uninvitedly resided on forehead and cheeks. They made it very clear that they weren’t going anywhere anytime soon. Now at 21, my skin hasn’t experienced dramatic acne since then… up until recently.

I’ve been primarily makeup-free for a few years now. And having to wear it every day to cover my acne is bringing me back to the times when I had relied so much on makeup to feel good. In the past few years, when I had generally clear skin, I’d get a few zits here and there and it wouldn’t bother me. I’d still go makeup-free or lightly dab on some concealer and head out the door. I’d become comfortable in my skin and accepted my acne scarring. If you read my post, “My life and skin changed when I stopped relying on makeup,” things are different right now. Now, I find myself wearing makeup every day because it is that bad. What’s more annoying is that makeup can sometimes make acne look even worse. Cakey, dry and crusty. 

How did this happen?

I stopped taking birth control in May. And well… my hormones are going insane. I’m getting heavy acne near my chin, which has never been an issue for me. And the worst part, I have the most cliche-looking zit in the middle of my forehead. It’s a very obvious zit that you can’t just disguise with concealer.

I imagine what it was like to have normal skin… that was about a month ago. Ahh… the good days. Every morning, I hope I’ve had enough beauty sleep to wake up with clearer skin, but nope, my zits are being stubborn. When I’m done getting ready in the morning, I look in the mirror to pretend like I’m someone else looking at me. I’ll be talking to someone and stare at their forehead to imagine if they also had a bulging zit in the middle of their forehead. I think about all the different lighting and angles that make my acne look worse. Sometimes, I’ll convince myself that the zits are not that bad. And I’ll believe myself for about 10 seconds until I realized they are just that bad.

More zits are unpacking their bags and making themselves at home on my face. They’re not paying rent. Actually, they’re becoming friends and inviting new ones over. Not cool.

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